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GOLF LEGENDS AND ODDITIES

Golf One liners
These are a few funny one liners that we have found on the internet or have heard on the links that ol' Caddylak Maxy would like to share with all you duffers, hackers and old pro's.

• When playing golf, don't lie or cheat ...unnecessarily.
• When playing golf, be alert - the world needs more lerts.
• Golf spelled backwards is flog.
• Work is for people that have not learned to play golf.
• Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now there are millions of poor players.
• Years ago, when man cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we call it golf.
• One of the quickest way to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.
• Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one!
• Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
• Never pick up a lost ball - until it stops rolling.
• The easiest way to find a lost club is to buy a replacement .
• I used to be a bad golfer with cheap clubs. Now, I am still a bad golfer - but my clubs are impressive.
• Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
• The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
• Please, Lord, let me prove that a hole in one won't spoil me.
• No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
• Your best round will be followed almost immediately by your worst.
• A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
• Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

 


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Golf Quotes

• When golfing legend Jack Nicholas responded to a question by a TV reporter: "You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" (May, 2001)
  He answered: " The holes are numbered."
• "I owe a lot to my parents, especially to my mother and father." - Greg Norman
• Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. -Grantland Rice
• Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. -John Updike
• It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf. -Robert Lynd
• Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad. -A.A. Milne
• Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. -P.G. Wodehouse
• I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser. -Arnold Palmer
• Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears. -Bobby Jones
• I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right. -Ben Crenshaw
• Golf is like a love affair.  If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. -Arthur Daley
• Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it. -Ted Ray
• The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. -Michael Green
• If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. -Paul Gallico
• Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. -Val Doonican
• Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. -Author Unknown
• It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification. -Bruce McCall
• Forget your opponents; always play against par. -Sam Snead
• If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. -Horace G. Hutchinson
• They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -Gardner Dickinson
• I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf.  I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. -Will Rogers
• If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -Sam Snead
• Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -William Wordsworth
• What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive. -Arnold Palmer
• The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller
• Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour. -Author Unknown
• Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. -P.J. O'Rourke
• If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -Dean Martin
• Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's. -Grantland Rice
• Golf is a good walk spoiled. -Mark Twain
• I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. -G.K. Chesterton
• If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business. -Joey Adams
• Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one. -Martha Beckman
• When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. -Author Unknown
• I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. -Attributed to both Miller Barber and Lee Trevino
• Golf is life. If you can't take golf, you can't take life. -Author Unknown
• If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course? -Larry Nelson
• If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head. -Harry Vardon
• Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. -Huxtable Pippey
• A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water. -Bob Ryan
• Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. -Bob Hope
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course. -Lee Trevino
• I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted. -Author Unknown
• They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken. -Raymond Floyd
• My handicap? Woods and irons. -Chris Codiroli
• The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. -John Updike
• Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that. -Jim Murray
• The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top. -Pete Dye
• I'd play every day if I could.  It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart. -Brent Musburger
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. -Lee Trevino
• Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. -Jim Bishop
• I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them. -Harry Toscano
• I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. -Gerald Ford
• "Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is "Wear it if it clashes." -Henry Beard
• I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it. -Jim Dent
• It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot. -Nubar Gulbenkian
• Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses. -Adlai Stevenson
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. -Gerald Ford
• The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life. -Chi Chi Rodriguez
• I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. -Bob Hope
• My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. -Lee Trevino
• Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility.  It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort. -Abba Eban
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits.  I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -Hank Aaron
• You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life. -Grantland Rice
• A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone. -Chi Chi Rodriguez
• Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game. -Phil Blackmar
• Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it's unfair. It's a harlot.  A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up to its promises... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. It plays with men. And runs off with the butcher. -Jim Murray

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Golf Facts On the Humorous Side

• Since bad golf shots come in sets of three, your fourth bad shot is really the beginning of the next set of three.
• ny change works for a maximum of one day and a minimum of not at all.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• Golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
• Never try and use more that three hundred swing thoughts during one swing.
• A golfer's downswing speed is equal to his back-swing speed times his handicap.
• If your approach shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• If you are afraid that your second shot may reach the green while the group ahead is putting out, you can either immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and top the ball halfway to the green.
• The less skilled the player the more likely he will share his ideas about the golf swing.
• The inevitable result of any lesson is the elimination of the one unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for your other swing faults.
• If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
• Everyone fixes his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is the test of your skill against you opponent's luck.
• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and those that bounce just the way you planned.
• Its surprisingly easy to sink a fifty-foot putt when you are lying-ten.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you are still away.
• Never buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
• If you want to hit a seven iron like Tiger Woods try laying up short of a water hazard.
• There are two things that you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking your hand position: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• If you want to eliminate your slice try fading the ball around a tree to reach the green.
• Often the shortest distance between you and the pin is a straight line passing directly through the trunk of a very large tree.
• You can hit a fifty-yard wide fairway only 10% of the time but a 1” tree branch 90% of the time.
• Any time a golfer makes a birdie he must make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• Any ball that you can see in the rough from fifty yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker.
• If there are two balls in the bunker, your ball is the one in the footprint.
• If you really want to get better at golf go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Always aim at a bunker or a tree, lord knows you never hit what you aim for.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his haircut.
• Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
• A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.
• 99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that .01% will stop a golf ball dead.
• Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.
• A two foot putt counts the same as a two foot drive.
• Its a simple matter to keep the ball in the fairway, if your not too choosy about which fairway.
• For most golfers, the difference between a one dollar ball and a three dollar ball is two dollars.
• You can put "draw" on a ball, you can put "fade" on a ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on a ball.
• The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the supply decreases.
• No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being marked.
• An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
• The older I get, the better I was.
• 90% of putts left short don't go in.
• Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
• The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.
• It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
• Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
• Confidence evaporates in the presence of water.
• Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
• When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look back down again at exactly the moment you ought to be watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Golf Jokes

• Golf humor is a big part of the game. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying, right? Here is are a few golf jokes devoted to golf humor.
• Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"
  "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." When I play golf I always hit the ball really good. But it always goes someplace really bad. I was in the sand so much I saw Yassir Arafat twice! When I start out on the first tee, I feel like Tiger Woods. But after nine holes I feel more like Winnie the Pooh. I think I've finally figured the game out: if it goes right, it's a "slice." If it goes left , it's a "hook." And if it goes straight, it's a miracle! To give you an idea of why my golf shots aren't hitting the fairway, the other day I went fishing, and on my first cast, I missed the lake. I know you're supposed to replace your divots—but mine are too heavy to carry back. I played golf yesterday, and I didn't even break par. I did break my three wood, my putter, and a window in a nearby condo. Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball. The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
• You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
• A young man and a  priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says,  "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says,  "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits  his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his  7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says,  "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
• Police are called  to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
  5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The  detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf  club?" "Yes, yes, I did."  The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands  on her face. "How many times did you  hit him?" "I don't  know, five, six, maybe seven times..Just put me  down for a five."
• A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball  and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit  through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took  another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the  gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied:  "Got here in two, didn't I?"
• The bride came down  the aisle and when she reached the altar,  the groom was standing there  with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your  golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't  going to take all day, is it?"

 


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Sources: Colligan Golf Designs, Quote Garden and the usual gang of idiots at Caddylak Graffix Caption Writing Studio.

 

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If you'll send ol' Caddylak Maxy a short golf joke, golf one-liner, golf legend or golf fact he will make you "Hole-In-One Famous" by giving you all the credit and will place it on this Golf Legends and Oddities page! "That's if I like it and it ain't already listed!" -Says, Caddylak Maxy.

 

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Last Updated: Saturday May 31, 2008 1:47 P.M.

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