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DOGS LEGENDS AND ODDITIES

Words To Live By
"Dear God, Please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."

Dog Quotes

• "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -Edward Abbey
• "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
• "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
• "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -Dereke Bruce
• "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
• "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
• "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
• "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" -M. Facklam
• "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -Unknown
• "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -Gene Hill
• "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -Holbrook Jackson
• "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -Franklin P. Jones
• "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
• "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -Christopher Morley
• "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser
• "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andrew A. Rooney
• "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
• "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
• "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
• "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
• "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain
• "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
• "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." -Joe Weinstein
• "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -Unknown
• "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -Unknown
• "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown
• "In dog years, I'm dead." -Unknown

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How Dogs Are Better Than Women

• The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Dogs don't shop.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs are made to be hunted.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & The Blowfish album.
• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to keep your dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog that you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
• Dogs would rather have a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
• You never have to wait for your dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs aren't catty.
• Dogs don't mind at all if you leave the toilet seat up.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.
• Dogs don't cry
• Dogs love it when your friends come over
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
• Dogs think you sing great
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
• Dogs don't expect you to call if you are running late
• Anyone one can get a good-looking dog
• When a dog gets old you can put it to sleep
• Dogs don't make you watch Grease over and over again
• Dogs don't have lunch with previous owners
• Dogs never want foot rubs

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How Dogs and Women are Alike

• both look silly in hats
• both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting
• both tend to have "hip" problems
• neither understand football
• both look good in fur
• both pretend to listen to every word you say
• both constantly want back rubs
• neither can balance a checkbook
• Both put too much value on kissing.
• Both can damage valuables if you leave them alone too long.

How Women are Better than Dogs

• Women leave the room to fart
• Women usually do not eat food off your plate without asking first.
• Women usually do not soil the carpet.
• It is socially acceptable to have sex with a woman.

Dog Jokes

• Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepard. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring out dogs into that bar," says the poodle's human. "Hey, no problem," says the german shepard's owner. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the german shepard's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair. So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's human. The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!" The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepard!"
• A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
• Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? - He was trying to make both ends meet!
• What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? - A collie-flower!
• My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
• Why do dogs wag their tails? - "Because no one else will do it for them!"
• What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - He stole the show!
• I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
• How can if you have a stupid dog? - It chases parked cars!
  

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Dog Dictionary
Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediately makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.
Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.
Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.
Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail!

Dog Property Laws

• If I like it, it's mine.
• If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
• If I can take it from you, it's mine.
• If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
• If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
• If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
• If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
• If I saw it first, it's mine.
• If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
• If it's broken, it's yours.

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Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Reasons For A Girl To Choose A Dog Instead Of A Man

• Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
• Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
• A dog is better protection from intruders.
• A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
• You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
• Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
• Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
• A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
• Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
• There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
• You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
• A dog is a faithful companion.
• A dog is for life.
• A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
• A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
• Dogs are easier to house-train.
• Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
• When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
• Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
• A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
• Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
• Dogs whine less.
• Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
• You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
• A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

"Thank you to all who submitted Dog stuff!

If you'll e-mail ol' Caddylak Maxy a short Dog joke, Dog one-liners, Dog legend or Dog historical facts he will make you Dog famous by giving you all the credit and will post it on his Dog Legends and Oddities page! "That's if he likes it and it ain't already listed!" -Says, Caddylak Maxy.

Sources: Jeff's Jokes, Traveldogs and the usual gang of idiots at Caddylak Graffix Cartoon Greeting Cards' Caption writing office.

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Dogs Legends And Oddities is constantly being updated.
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Last Updated: Saturday May 31, 2008 1:47 P.M.

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